Love disproves radical individualism
Are post-traditional societies really radically individualist? One continually hears that post-traditional societies are defined by the rise of individualism. You know the story. Son no longer follows in father’s footsteps; highly mobile Gen Yers who have no sense of physical place, no soil; resident never meets his neighbours; she pops the remote on the garage door, drives to the shopping centre and back, as if quarantined from the neighbourhood. Old woman dies alone, found days later. With the links to traditional community gone we wake up in the morning and think, “What do I want today?”
But love seems to disprove the thesis. When two people are in love there arises in the one the anticipation of, and desire for, the satisfaction of the other. What makes her happy? How will this decision of mine impact on her? Would she agree with it? Am I performing as a partner? These are all the concerns that one partner has for the other when in love.
These concerns for the other indicate that the individual redefines her or himself when in love. He may very well have considered others before falling in love. But now we know that he considers the impact on, or feelings of, this particular other.
What occurs, then, when one falls in love is an ontological redefinition. Love is a shift in ontology. Before falling in love I defined myself thus and considered so-and-so when making my decisions. Now, when in love, I consider the impact of my decisions on my partner. This may not be my sole consideration but it is high on the list of considerations. Not considering one’s partner when making decisions is almost synonymous with not being in love.
But it is important to remember that this redefinition is not complete. No matter how one tries, a psychological symbiosis, pairing or partnering is not matched by a physical partnering. No matter how hard we try, we remain physically individual. As physical entities partners retain their independent existence. When one dies, the other does not necessarily. This may explain the trauma following the death of a partner. Someone who I am so close to psychologically is now absent physically. And in their physical absence I have necessarily lost their psychological presence.
This seems to show that the classic idea of partnership as a coming together of two as one is fraught with difficulty. On one level, yes, the two partners come together as one. I consider the impact on the loved other when making decisions. She therefore forms part of my existence; many if not all of my decisions are now made with her in mind. But at the physical level the partnership is confronted with the reality of my physical ontology—my existence as an individual unit, an enclosed living organism. Indivisible and individual: these are the limits that book-end my physical existence.
When it comes to our physical existence, therefore, a relationship is the coming of one into a two. One becomes two. There was me; now there is me and you. We cannot get any closer than this physically (apart from the temporary reprieve of sexual intercourse, but that is never complete and only ever temporary).
But despite the limitation imposed on love and the relationship by the physical world, we nonetheless form a new entity through the ontological transformation that occurs from before to during love. And the existence of this entity alone is proof that radical individualism is not pervasive. Love defies individualism?












